The Main Character

I'm that first-person they talk about in all the books

I'm that perspective you cannot doubt, see how I look

Control the narrative reliably, baby, it's all about me

And I wrote the book about throwing the book

At those who don't do it by it

So now I'm holding myself hostage

Stockholm lust just looks like justice

And enough lefts don't make the right but two wrongs do

Oh man, Sun Tzu would love this

Beating my dead high horse off the high road to low ground

'Cause if you shake your fist at snakes in grass

It looks like punching down

So, God forbid I'm seen just as an average human being

I mean, imagine if protagonists just died in the first scene

I'm the gap between a tragedy and comedy

Don't come at me

I'm the main character, and you have to like me

♪

I loot plot armor from NPCs

Well, they are to me

Trite, tropes, traits, traumas, trinkets, and treats, it's all XP

Look in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's superego

The underdog you cheer for

Villains are everywhere, that's how I know that I'm the hero

So tie me to the train tracks, laugh, and snidely twist your mustache

Snidely Whiplash, Boris Badenov, ignoring me's bad enough

Where do you get off? Da, das vedanya, darling

Daleks in high collars monologue

And I outsmart them with a ray-gun and a tweet

So, God forbid I'm seen just as an average human being

I mean, imagine if protagonists just died in the first scene

I'm the gap between a tragedy and comedy

Don't come at me

I'm the main character, and you have to like me

♪

Judge me by what my cover shows, author becomes beyond reproach

You don't know the prose or if the spine is still intact

Oh, like Alice fell to Wonderland, come astroturf my Overton

And embolden my demand to live by alternative facts

Her majesty says, "The Royal We demand a standard of loyalty

An agreement to be reverent, lick the emperor's new boots"

The court fool got the guillotine

The witches the stake, you the dopamine

And Siemens made the Zyklon B, but we all still get the flu

We all do what we need to to get through

(It's nothing new)

But I ain't done a fucking thing to you

So, God forbid I'm seen just as an average human being

I mean, imagine if antagonists lacked any evil scheme

I'm the gap between a tragedy and comedy

Don't come at me

I'm the main character, and you have to like me