The Speed Test

Take a letter

To a Mr. John Hudson, Hudson's Floor Wax

You will find an invoice in the file for the address

Dear Mr. Hudson

Colon

My eyes are fully open to my awful situation

So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation

When the floor wax that we bought from you

Arrived here Monday morning

We discovered upon usage

That the fumes should have a warning

Since the only possiblity is that your wax is rancid

I request a full refund of all the money we advanced

And unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter

We will take our business elsewhere so

I hope you solve this matter

How's my speed Miss Dillmount?

A little slow perhaps

Ah

Enclosed you'll find a small container

Of the stuff I talk about

Just carefully remove the lid

And take a whiff if you've a doubt

I'm sure you wouldn't want me to alert the daily papers

With the news of how our office was affected by your vapours

Which is why I choose to write to you a confidential letter

Full of strong recommendation that you make your floor wax better

I just hope it won't require us to have our floor relaid

And if it does you may expect a bill

Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

Now read that back to me please

Certainly

Dear Mr. Hudson

Colon

My eyes are fully open to my awful situation

So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation

When the floor wax that we bought from you

Arrived here Monday morning

We discovered upon usage

That the fumes should have a warning

Since the only possiblity is that your wax is rancid

I request a full refund of all the money we advanced

Nice

And unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter

We will take our business elsewhere so

I hope you solve this matter

Not half bad, continue please

Enclosed you'll find a small container

Of the stuff I talk about, just carefully remove the lid

And take a whiff if you've a doubt

I'm sure you wouldn't want me to alert the daily papers

With the news of how our office was affected by your vapours

Which is why I choose to write to you a confidential letter

Full of strong recommendation that you make your floor wax better

I just hope it won't require us to have our floor relaid

And if it does you may expect a bill

Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

Miss Dillmount

May I speak frankly?

Yes?

If I could be so lucky as to have a good stenographer

To keep this place as up-to-date

As her short skirt and bobbed coiffure

I wouldn't have to worry about our soured office planking

And could concentrate on generating profits ripe for banking

That is why I'm testing you with this outrageous correspondence

Which I don't intend to actually mail to the respondents

So if you can make sense of my unintelligible patter

Then the job is yours, and Hudson's Floor Wax really doesn't matter

Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter, matter

Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter

Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter, matter

Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter

Now, I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat

Man your machine, go!

♪

Time!

Dear Mr. Hudson

(Colon) my eyes are fully open to my awful situation

So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation

When the floor wax that we bought from you

Arrived here Monday morning

We discovered upon usage

That the fumes should have a warning

Since the only possiblity is that your wax is rancid

I request a full refund of all the money we advanced

Unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter

We will take our business elsewhere so

I hope you solve this matter

So I hope you solve this matter

(So I hope you solve this matter)

So I hope you solve this matter

(So I hope you solve this matter)

So I hope you solve this matter

So I hope you solve this matter

So I hope you solve this matter, matter, matter, matter

Going on

Enclosed you'll find a small container of the stuff I talk about

Just carefully remove the lid and take a whiff if you've a doubt

I'm sure you wouldn't want me to alert the daily papers

With the news of how our office was affected by your vapours

Which is why I choose to write to you a confidential letter

Full of strong recommendation that you make your floor wax better

I just hope it won't require us to have our floor relaid

And if it does you may expect a bill

Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

You have made the team, Miss Dillmount

(You have made the team, Miss Dillmount)

Tell me where my desk is, when we eat lunch

How much I'll be paid and nice to meet you

I know we'll be friends, just call me Millie Graydon

(Millie Graydon?) I mean Dillmount

(Millie Dillmount?) Someday Graydon

(Graydon? Dillmount? Dillmount? Graydon? Graydon?)

(Dillmount?) Graydon